Hello friends!
I know it has been a LONG while! But my absence has been due to some personal trials that have come up that have kept me from my little space of the internet for a while. I wasn't sure if I was ever going to blog again to be honest. But having so many people ask me "what happened to your blog? I loved reading it!" has given me motivation. I also couldn't resist coming back because this is my favorite way to share my testimony, stories, and pictures to all of my friends, family, and strangers who take a peek at my silly little blog.
First things first you are all probably wondering what the heck is goin on? And rather than having a bunch of people assume they know my story I am just going to be completely blunt and honest here. Brayden and I are divorced. We have been separated sense October and the divorce was finalized this past March. Please do not assume it was because we had a bad marriage and that all of my previous posts were not true or were exaggerations of our life. They.were.not. I loved Brayden very much, and hope the best for him in his future. But he has some serious issues that he needs to sort out before he is in a relationship as serious as marriage. I have been hesitant about saying why we are getting divorced but I know Brayden would agree with me that if sharing this story can help someone else over come this type of trial whether they are on my side of the spectrum or his... it needs to be told.
Brayden has been struggling with pornography for a very long time. And it lead him to have inappropriate relationships online with other women. He hid this from me for several months of dating and 3 years of marriage. I found out on my own. I have never felt so angry, horrified, heart broken, and betrayed in my whole life. We tried to make it work. But I knew that the part of me that loved Brayden had withered and I didn't know if it was something I could repair. I went to my heavenly father with questions and hid out at the temple for long hours trying to figure out how I was going to put this (in my mind) fake marriage back together. But the answer I got from my heavenly father was. "You've done your job, its time to move on" it was the answer I think Brayden and I both knew I was going to receive. It has been the darkest months of my life.
But, it has also been some very sacred months as well. When you are hurting in a way that you cant go to a doctor or.... put a bandaid on it... you have to rely fully on your heavenly father and jesus christs love to keep you a float. I am not saying I was handling it like a champ in anyway. It was mostly Netflix as soon as I got home from work just so I didn't have to think about the uphill climb that I was approaching. I wanted to stay in my apartment and hide from my trial. It cant see me I cant see it. Keeping up with the Kardashians was all I thought I needed. But then you lay down in bed and all the thoughts you suppressed all day come bashing through your skull.
I was on the phone with my mom constantly. Trying to understand why this was happening. Why heavenly father decided to be so mean to me. I didn't want to pray I didn't want to read my scriptures I just wanted to ignore him because I was so freakin mad at him. And my mom told me to pray anyways. So most of my prayers were me scolding Heavenly Father and progressively they grew into pleads for comfort and strength...
Dear Heavenly Father,
I am really mad at you... amen
Why me?? I was so happy! I was so ridiculously happy... why??.. amen
I don't even want to talk to you.. amen
Still here... incase you forgot... amen
please just help me sleep... amen
help me get through 8 hours of work. even though getting out of bed is almost impossible
please help me feel good about myself again
please help me forgive those girls who took my husband away from me
please help me forgive brayden
please help me eat something
please help me to know that your plan is a better one than the one I thought I wanted.
as each prayer passed I could feel little bits of my heart come back together. my spirit was working over time just getting my earthly body to function in anyway. How grateful I am for such a strong spirit I never knew I had. Your body and brain become so weak when you are struggling... but Heavenly Father gave us something much stronger to help us keep going. Everyday was a battle. But my spirit chose to get up, get me dressed and get me to work even though all I wanted to do was hide in my room.
Going to the temple regularly is something I cant believe I didn't participate in before. Everytime I go I feel my Savior sitting next to me saying "You can do this. I am so sorry you hurt but you are going to be amazing when this is over. Please have patience with me. I love you"
I would joke to my mom that if I heard the sentence "have patience" one more time I was going to loose my mind. And guess what? I heard it over and over and over during my scripture studies. And noticed it in my patriarchal blessing and finally understood why that sentence was in there (because before this I didn't know what I was supposed to have patience about. my life was smooth sailing) one incredible scripture that my mom sent me one night when I was having a really rough day is
D&C 98: 1-3
1. Verily I say undo you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;
2. Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament-the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.
3. Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my names glory, saith the Lord.
What an incredible promise made to each and everyone of us. That this trial will work together for my good. Most days I hold that close to my heart, and know that things will be ok. Somedays my earthly brain gets the best of me and says "nope my life is over i'll just lay in bed" its back and forth like I said, but mostly I trust my Lord and Savoir and don't have a single ounce of doubt that the answer I received in the temple that it was time for Brayden and I to part ways was exactly what was supposed to happen.
I have complete faith that heavenly father set up all aspects of my life just right for everything to come crashing down at once.
I am so grateful for my awesome job. I didn't realize how great it was until I had to live completely on my own paycheck. And feel blessed that I can support myself 100%
I am grateful for an incredibly loving ward who started hearing about my issues and every Sunday welcomed me with hugs, and I met lots of other girls going through the exact same situation who I could talk to and vent to and say "this freakin sucks!!" and get an "I know!!" back.
I am grateful for a family and friends who would send calls and text messages every day just to make sure I was ok. My aunt Kallie brought me Nordstrom cookies (my fav) cause she claims they will fix anything. She is so right!
I am grateful for all of the strangers who have reached out to me saying they felt prompted to say something... your promptings were answers to my prayers!! Hearing such sweet words comforted me and made me feel so incredibly loved. I hope I can be more like that when I feel the prompting to reach out to someone I don't really know. I am also very grateful for people who have been so accepting of my situation. My biggest fear is that being divorced would stamp me as a failure... but so many have convinced me otherwise. Thank you!!
I am grateful for a loving bishop who would make monthly appointments with me just to make sure I was doing ok. And then was intune with the spirit just enough to give me the BEST calling in the world. Teaching my primary class has been the most healing experience of my life. They are so optimistic, pure, and kind. Each week they refreshed my sad adult mindset and made me think of candy, Disneyland, and how awesome Jesus is!
I am thankful for a mom who let me sob over and over again. WHYY mom?? And just held me close. And told me she was proud of me and how brave I was being. And then took me to see Cinderella in theatres 4 times just because it made me feel good inside. (its obviously our new fav)
I am thankful for a dad who is the biggest example to me. Who stood up for me and comforted me. I cant imagine what he went though watching me suffer. I am grateful he was there to hug me goodnight and said he loved me every time I would leave my parents house.
I am grateful for 3 amazing siblings who have kept me grounded through this entire thing. And didn't let me doubt myself, or feel bad about myself. Carter gave me hugs when ever I needed them and Carlie would always remind me how pretty I am. Seems silly but little things like that mean so so much to me. My brother Calvin who is out in Africa also had many comforting words. And as much as I wanted him here.... his emails were THE BEST. I'm so lucky to have my family.
I am so excited to be back! I just want to tell stories and share pictures! That is what I love to do here on my little bit of the internet. So.... let the new adventures begin!
ps. if you or anyone you know is struggling with pornography PLEASE get help. Check out this website called FIGHT THE NEW DRUG with all of the info you could need to get through your struggles. "Porn Kills Love"
